So, a bit of historic stuff for anyone who is interested.
I found out that I was pregnant with Wee C 16th June 2016. I was staying in one of the gorgeous lodges at my work Argyll Holidays and was looking forward to the first ever Gig in the Goil (a wee mini music festival) when i woke in the middle of the night and wee’d on a stick Positive. I drank a pint of water and wee’d on another stick. Again Positive. It was 4am in the morning and there was no way Col-D (who i’d woken before the stick wee’ing) or I were going to get back to sleep! We then spent the next 2 weeks buying more pregnancy tests and doing lots more wees. They were all positive. We were OVER THE MOON. Delighted. It was our dream come true.
At 7 weeks, we went for a scan and were even more shocked to discover that yes, we were pregnant but even better – there were two wee embryos in there! It wsa like all our christmas’s come true, we had waited so long to meet each other and as soon as we met, we knew we wanted a baby/babies. To be pregnant with two, was just amazing!
I know you’re meant to keep it to yourself, but we just couldnt wait to tell our nearest and dearest, both our parents were going to be grandparents for the first time (they thought it would never happen) and our closet friends knew how much we wanted this. They were even happier with the news that we were expecting twins!
As an only child, I had secretly hoped that we would/could have two children, but never thought it would be possible. So to be told we had twins on board, was amazing!
A boy and a girl, a boy and another boy, or two girls?? Ooooh two names to choose. Two cots to buy. A double buggy to take for a spin. All very exciting, but I knew that there were risks. Big risks. My age put me in a high risk category, so even though we were excited I just wanted to get to 12 or 20 weeks before i could shout our news to the worl d. I didnt allow myself to get completely carried away till we got that all clear from the hospital.
We went for our 12 week scan, excited and nervous. The waiting room was full of young mums, mums wearing jammies, mums with their mums and Col-D and me. We were taken into a wee room and given a chat about the risks of birth defects etc, to prepare us for the worst should it happen. Already tearful and now even more nervous we went ultrasound room. Climb up, Col-D holding my hand, putting me at ease…gel on my tummy and light pressure of the wand. Silence. More swishing of the wand from side to side. More silence. I seen it straight away. Two sacs, two embryos. One fully formed with arms and legs, fingers and toes, the other…very very small. Before I was told, I knew. One of our twins hadn’t made it.
Overwhelming and instant grief. I was bursting for the toilet (as you have to have a full bladder for your first ultrasound) so sobbing, I ran out of the room, leaving a bewildered and shocked Col-D. I rushed through the waiting room, with the happy smiley jammie wearing girls and I sat in the toilet breaking my heart. I was devastated for our loss, but still so happy that we had one wee strong wrigling embryo/babba (it feels weird saying embryo now).
Col-D was amazing, I knew that he was equally devastated but kept it together so that he could support and comfort me. We went home, in silence and he put me to bed before calling our family. I allowed myself a few hours of grief but after that, i was going to focus on the positives. We were pregnant. We were expecting a baby. And our baby was due in the middle of February. Now you cant get much more positive than that!
We read up about what had happened to us and it transpired that what we had experienced was ‘Vanishing Twin’ syndrome, and it was more common than we knew. In fact, if we hadnt had a scan before 21 weeks, there is a chance that we would never have known that there were 2 embryos at the beginning.
I’m writing this as it may explain why sometimes we are so very careful and cautious around our Wee C, it may explain the magnitude of our gratidue (lol) or explain why we get so worried with every little nuance or cough or sniffle. I know that the grief we felt is nothing compared to the grief of those who have gone through miscarraige or still born, but it was our grief. It is our journey and part of what makes us what we are.
On the 30th January 2017, our beautiful healthy baby girl arrived into the world, and the road that we went through to get her is now far behind us, the road in front is pretty bloomin exciting and is one that will be walked by our 14 Feet of Love